Courting: Does One Size Fit All???

28Jan09

Thanks to Tonya for stepping on to The ManChild Swagga to post some real talk about relationships… from a females perspective. Tonya’s message was filled with real questions, and real questions need real answers. While I understand the overall intent of the post, I also recognize a need to “man up” and take some accountability by peeling this onion a little more to shed my thoughts. So here we go (in response to Tonya’s post):

Tanya: Do they (men) really want to get to know me or are they just trying to get me?
TMS: Well, Tanya… 5 of 6 men surveyed would say that these men are trying to get you, translation: they are trying to get the cake and the coochie.

Tanya: What happened to the days of courting?
TMS: Courting is a beautiful thing when you are thinking of the long range potential. Typically, men are anxious to court when they feel the following:
- She possesses qualities that I REALLY like, yes, she can be my wifey.
- I don’t want to be a player any more

Tanya: Am I living in a fairytale world to believe that true courtship still exists? Am I just a hopeless romantic?
TMS: This questions sounds somewhat rhetorical, but it deserves an answer. True courtship does exist, and as we do live in a world that seems to recalibrate our standards in warp speed, the beauty of true bliss will never be lost. Self admittedly, men are work… and I am certainly guilty.

I respect relationships. I also love to be in a relationship, no matter how blissful or volatile. I tend to look at relationships as a work in progress, and before I strap up to ready myself for the journey, I have to look at myself as:

- Ready to settle down, or,
- Not ready to settle down

I am absolutely positive that the amount of effort that I put into a relationship usually coincides with the feelings that I have before I even meet her. In other words, am I ready to settle down? As is such, I meet her… I like her… but more importantly, I learn to accept her standards.

I can’t speak for all men when it comes to this rationale, but if most men do agree with me on this, this really puts love into a “one size fits all” dynamic. But as I scratch my head (thinking about this), it seems too easy. Or is it?

Filed under: courting, love, relationships   |  1 Comment

Don’t Ask Me Over If You Can’t Ask Me Out (From Tonya B.)

26Jan09

The title was one of my 2008 dating war-cries.

I’ve met several men in the past year that claim they want to get to know me, but ultimately don’t get past the first conversation. If you are one of those that didn’t get past the first conversation, I’m about to tell you one of the reasons why. It’s because you made statements like (these are real), “I just bought some new movies and you can come over here to watch them;” “Instead of going out, why don’t you come over here and cook for me?” “You wanna come over and play Guitar Hero;” “We don’t have to go out to have a good time;” or the classic that I do fall for at times – “I’ll cook dinner for you.” (I’m so damn greedy… read #10)

Do they really want to get to know me or are they just trying to get me? There’s no need to front. If that’s all it’s about, then that’s all it’s about. They shouldn’t waste my time or their own; just be real about it. Okay, I’m done venting.

I don’t mind spending a little one on one time at the crib, but that’s after I’ve grown to know the guy. Until then, meeting for morning coffee or tea will not kill ‘em. A trip to the museum or movies will not kill ‘em. Shoot, a burrito from the taco truck and a walk in the park will suffice…ice skating, roller skating, laser tag…something!

The age range of the men I meet is typically 25-45. [For future references, my consideration range is 29-41, give or take a few. (I'm just putting that out there.)] Therefore, I have a hard time tagging this dilemma to a specific age group. I don’t meet these guys in the club and I’m not always flashing my pearly whites either. I’m wondering what it is about me that’s attracting this type of Tom-foolery. I will say that I have been fortunate enough to have gone out on a few dates within the past year. (A few, as in 3.)

What happened to the days of courting? Am I living in a fairytale world to believe that true courtship still exists? Am I just a hopeless romantic? Did I watch too many black & white movies as a child? Somebody provide some type of insight.

“Everyone knows that dating in your thirties is not the happy-go-lucky free-for-all it was when you were twenty-two.” — Helen Fielding

Who ya tellin’ Helen?

-Tonya B.
http://justtonyab.blogspot.com

Filed under: dating   |  2 Comments

Inaugural Address: January 20, 2009

20Jan09

REMARKS OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

Inaugural Address

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Washington, D.C.
**EMBARGOED UNTIL DELIVERY**

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land – a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America – they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted – for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things – some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions – that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act – not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions – who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them – that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works – whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account – to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day – because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control – and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart – not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort – even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus – and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West – know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment – a moment that will define a generation – it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends – hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism – these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility – a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence – the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed – why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

“Let it be told to the future world…that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].”

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

###

EMBARGOED UNTIL DELIVERY
January 20, 2009
Contact: PIC Communications Office, 202-203-1700

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"We Have Chosen Hope"

20Jan09

Te Essence Norris, age 7, Brooklyn

Congratulations President Obama!

Filed under: Barack Obama   |  Leave a Comment

Diggin’ in the Crate for Some…. Real Love

15Jan09

Where were you in the summer of 1992 – 17 years ago, when Mary J. Blige put this on us:

We are lovers true and through and though
we made it through the storm
I really want you to realize
I really want to put you on
I’ve been searchin’ for someone
To satisfy my every need
Won’t you be my inspiration
Be the real love that I need

Real love
I’m searchin’ for a real love
Someone to set my heart free
Real love
I’m searchin’ for a real love

Oooh, when I met you I just knew
That you would take my heart and run
Until you told me how you felt for me
You said I’m not the one
So I slowly came to see
All of the things that you were made of
And now I hope my dreams and inspirations
Lead me to want some real love

I got to have a real love
Loves so true and oh baby
I thought your love was true
I thought you were the answer to
The questions in my mind
But it seems that I was wrong
If I stay strong maybe
I’ll find my real love

So I try my best and pray to God
He’ll send me someone real
To caress me and to guide me towards
A love my heart can feel
Now I know I can be faithful
I can be your all in all
I’ll give you good lovin’ through the summertime,
winter, spring, and fall

(x2)

You see I’m searching for a real love
And I don’t know where to go
Been around the world and high and low
And still I’ll never know
How it feels to have a real love
Cause it seems it’s not around
Gotta end it in this way because it
Seems he can’t be found

(x2)

(to my email recipients, peep The ManChild Swagga to see the video)

Filed under: Diggin' in the crate, Mary J. Blige, Real Love   |  1 Comment

My Stimulus Package…

13Jan09

Most mornings in the office are relatively peaceful. However, an unusual email arrived this morning from corporate – announcing that the inevitable has occurred… layoffs. The “Lay Off Lottery” crew wants to meet me for a one-on-one at 11:00 – and I just can’t sit here at my desk, dying a slow death knowing that… well, you already know. So it’s time to cushion the blow… time to seek a little ether… time to have a word (via Instant Messenger) with “MahoganyWonder” (she asks to remain anonymous).

ron: whattup woman?

betts_sm: hey

ron: well, the recession has affected our company. i think that i’ll be getting bad news today.

betts_sm: seriously? you’re getting laid off?

ron: just got a company wide email… they are cutting a bunch of folks… they announced the need to trim 1/3 of our staff… and i have an impromptu meeting today at 11. it’s prolly that “sorry, we gotta let you go” meeting

betts_sm: maybe they will keep you

ron: if they were gonna keep me why would they request a one on one meeting?? i’m gonna be an unemployed bum. can i get a sermon please??

betts_sm: Well a one on one meeting could be that they are letting you go.
But hey – you never know…each company is different.
Sometimes they do a one on one meeting to advise you of a change in the workplace.
But if you’re one of the last one’s hired – then you could very well be one of the first one’s fired.
Just keep hope alive. Don’t hang yourself yet….they haven’t even shown you the rope.

ron: do u think that i should just get up now and go in my director’s office to ask what is up?? i can’t hold in this suspense for another hour and 10 minutes

betts_sm: whatever ron

betts_sm: you are always trying to act like the little militant ready to ruffle feathers and shake things up… you need to sit your azz down and wait until they call you for your meeting.

ron: i’m not gonna go postal… i just want an inkling of an idea…. i’m lactose intolerant… and my stomach is bubbling

betts_sm: has anyone else had a meeting or will you be the first one

ron: i’ll be the first one

betts_sm: well do what i did when i was let go.

ron: ???

betts_sm: i found out thru the grapevine i’d be laid off… i went into the office and ran my rounds saying goodbye to everyone. i packed up the few items i had in my desk and went back when i got ready. had my meeting when i returned – and that was it. my boss was surprised i knew – but oh well.

ron: word?

betts_sm: yes i’m serious. the layoffs were ‘hush hush’ and i was the newest transfer into the dept. so i knew i’d be let go.

ron: wow

betts_sm: my friend worked in another dept and found out i was on the list. she called to tell me on my way into the office – so once i arrived i parked in guest parking and just walked around for a few hours chatting it up – passing on my contact info and saying my goodbyes. then i went back to the office – setup my out of office to say i was laid off and waited for them to call me for my meeting.

ron: wow. are u serious? and this is before you received official word?

betts_sm: yep. my boss was shocked i knew ahead of time but come on…what was he gonna do “fire me”? lol.

ron: he was probably dumbfounded huh?

betts_sm: yeah he was. he said he’d watch me pack my office – i told him… no need, i’m already packed. then he said, “i’ll escort you to the employee parking lot”….no need i’m in visitors parking. peace out homie. that’s when he told me “i have a feeling you were expecting this”

rone: wow… umm… can i chuckle please??

betts_sm: i wanted to reply “no $h!t Sherlock.” but i was cool… and yeah, you can chuckle

ron: ok… dayyyyuuuuummmmmmmmmm!

betts_sm: i know they probably expected me to cry or something. they knew i had just bought my house…had bills and junk – but i was chunking the deuce. two other women in my dept were all tears…they felt so “betrayed” by him and the company.
but i have a different attitude – i always expect the unexpected. lol

ron: word? were those other women holding it down for a minute??

betts_sm: one was there about four years…the other one was there about two years.

ron: oh ok… and when they received notice, did they get gangsta??

betts_sm: no – this was “Jane and Jill” not “Jackee and Jacquetta” so they just cried. sat at their desk and cried. cried while packing and cried while walking out.

ron: no chair tossing? nothing?

betts_sm: naw. I just shook my head laughing – WTF? how are you going to go out like that? puhleese. why shed a tear? the company isn’t shedding any tears behind letting you go.

ron: preach mama

betts_sm: i know it might be a shocker but it will work out in the end. it might be a blessing in disguise for you. for me it was. i wanted to get laid off. i hated my new dept. lol

ron: wow. u didn’t like those cats anyway huh?

betts_sm: no sir

ron: that’s off the hook… ahh yes, i needed that sermon

betts_sm: lol

ron: you made me feel so much better… i’m gonna start packing my shit right now before this meeting starts. I’ll show them.

betts_sm: it’ll work out if they let you go. my homie was let go a few months ago like that but he lucked up on a job not long after. keep the faith.

ron: and the congregation says…. Amen.

betts_sm: Amen.

(end of sermon)

Needless to say, the meeting with the Manager went totally different than I expected. I was informed that I was actually going to be keeping my job. In fact, the company would be shifting several job roles and needed me to be a “team player” by taking on a few new responsibilities until further notice. Of course my Manager wanted to know why the hell was I packing up my desk before this meeting… I told him that my desk needed a new “stimulus”.

~TMS

Filed under: faith, jobs, stimulus   |  3 Comments

Incident in Bellaire: Uncle Phil loses it

11Jan09

Without question, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air was one of the funniest shows on TV in the early 90′s. I recall a particular episode,however, that bears striking similarities to an unfortunate incident that ironically occurred in… yeah, Bellaire, Texas, a suburban community in southwest Houston. As comical as the show was, it also touched on a topic during the first season that was not as funny: racial profiling. Read more about the real story here.

Season 1 had an episode titled: Mistaken Identity. In short, Uncle Phil and Vivian go on a trip to Palm Springs in a business partner’s helicopter, while Carlton and Will drive the business partner’s car. En route, they get lost, and as they try to get their directional bearings, an officer pulls them over, assuming that they are in a “stolen” vehicle.

Officer: Ok, fellas. We’ve had a lot of car thefts in the area, lately. You wanna talk about it?

Carlton: Okay, I think it’s terrible!

Officer: You making fun of me, kid?

Carlton: Well, you’re the one who wanted to talk about it! Why, frankly, I think it’s a matter for the police to handle!

What happens next? Will and Carlton were handcuffed and taken to jail for suspicion of car theft. While Will and Carlton were later released and absolved from any wrong-doings due to mistaken identify, this episode brought to light many realities that African-Americans face when confronting subjective behavior by police officers. This was further magnified during a heated confrontation between Will and Carlton. Carlton simply chalked the incident up as “police doing their jobs” and went after Will Smith, thinking that his accusation of police profiling was over the top. He went further to state that “the system works”, provoking Will to finally explode:

Will: You haven’t learned a thing this weekend, no map is going to help you, neither is your glee club, or who your daddy is. Because when you drive a fancy car in a strange neighborhood, NONE of that matters, they only see ONE thing. (taps Carlton on his face)

I grew up in a rough urban area where relationships with police officers was far from civil, so I can empathize with Will’s statement. I recall a summer in the early 90′s when crime and drug activities were crazy in NY; One night, I was pulled over and asked to produce “proof of ownership” of my vehicle. Can I say that I was racially profiled that night? Possibly. Can I say that every police officer that I run into is a racist? No, I can’t. I also cannot make an abstraction out of this – yet I am sure that racism is systematic on some levels. With that in mind, I can definitely say that racism exists… and I am confident that this can happen to anyone, anywhere, like Bellair, CA or Belaire, TX. Will everyone agree with me on this? No. But when does it cross the line, when a 23 year old is shot in his own front yard and now faces the prospects of living the rest of his life with a bullet in his liver? My prayers go out to Robbie Tolan and his family.

After 6 seasons and 148 episodes, I will always remember The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air – as most of the episodes were funny to watch, I will never forget that one serious episode when over 11,000,000 viewers saw Uncle Phil lose it.

Uncle Phil (to police officer): I’ve got a few questions for you. When you got this alleged confession from these two young men, did they have a lawyer present? No, because I’m their lawyer. Did you notify their parents? No, because we’re their parents. So officer, don’t tell us to wait and don’t tell us to sit down. Just open that damn cell and let those two boys out of there or I’m going to tie this place up with so much litigation that your GRANDCHILDREN ARE GONNA NEED LAWYERS!!!

Our regards…

Filed under: Bellaire, racism, robbie tolan, The Fresh prince of Bel-Air, TX, Uncle Phil, Will Smith   |  Leave a Comment

"Hey BMOC: You’re Fired!"

08Jan09

I’ve been blessed to have worked for some pretty “cool” companies in my short life…but I’ll never forget about that “cool” company that fired me – it was the first (and only) time that I was ever fired from a job. Yeah me, the Black Man On Corporate (BMOC). And it was surreal… too surreal. For most of my life I have worked in the Technology industry, and working for middle sized tech companies has its ups and downs. I have worked for some that have fallen on harsh economic times, while some fail to reward you commensurately for your blood, sweat and tears. Some simply merge or downsize. Operational change usually happens swiftly in my field… it’s all good though, because you learn to just go with the flow. My experience in working in this industry also consisted of working in either a dynamically diverse office of colleagues, or in an office where I am the lone BMOC. I don’t mind being that BMOC, in fact, I’ll usually wear the honor with pride. I like to work a little harder if only to de-mystify the perceptions placed on me by the Culturally Challenged Co-worker (or CCC). I’ll come in early, I’ll detract from the occasional slang, and on dress down Fridays I always make sure to keep the attire “CCC Friendly” – although I hate khaki’s. But nevertheless, I have always worked amongst some pretty “cool” companies and have always endured great friendships with former co-workers.

As great as these experiences have been, my occupational fantasy was to work for an all-Black company. I dreamed of working for that company that embraced my slang and my urban dress down style, and allowed me to be carefree. If I wanted to bang my old school Tupac, I would be allowed to bump it right there at my desk… and if my colleague is feeling “Dear Momma”, “Oh sure Jay Dog, I’ll be glad to turn it up for you“. Instead of seeing pictures of flowers on the wall, maybe we can have a few noted pictures of Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King, Barack Obama, Michael Jordan, and maybe a life size photo of Public Enemy. I’ll rock my dashiki, and lest we forget, it is never too cold in the office.

Well, this opportunity came one summer when a friend of a former colleague opened his own business and implored that I work for him. Once we reached terms, I gladly accepted the role. At that point, this was one of the best days of my life. I remember feeling that I have discovered my ‘occupational oasis’ and that I would never want to leave this job. My first day was like typical first days: I meet all 12 of my colleagues, we kick it about our families and where we’re from, we go out to lunch together, and I get cozy in my new office… except, that my office happened to be in an open cube environment. No problem, I guess; I’m hanging with my peoples… this will be fine.

I woke up everyday looking forward to going to work. I was enthusiastic about shooting the breeze with the colleagues, and I actually had a “cool” boss. My boss at the time happened to also be the owner of the company, and he was very passionate about his company and the perception that we delivered to the market. He never held his tongue, so if something wasn’t going right, he was quick to let you know. In fact, a day never went by when I didn’t hear the boss telling someone, “Ah, Ah man, c’mon now… don’t fuck this up. Dont do that!” Wow, just another great day in the office, it was just cool to hear the boss kicking it like that. I admired his candor, so what if it was ghetto.

In just a few months, my boss decided that he wanted me to accompany him to business meetings with prospective clients. That really excited me. He made it a point to let me know that he recognized my value to the company, and he wanted me to take charge in a few of these meetings that he arranged; our goal was to introduce our company’s value and establish rapport, which in turn made our opportunity of gaining the account that much stronger. No problem, let’s do this. So there we are, walking down Fifth Avenue, heading to our first prospective client visit. We walk into the lobby and head to the elevator, and before we step inside my boss grabs my arm and started spitting instructions:

“C’mon now, don’t fuck this up… don’t do that. We just need to get in here and impress ‘em. I just want you to hold my briefcase and stay behind me. We’ll be meeting with the Technology Director, so don’t say shit, don’t say nothing. Just have a seat and chill when we get in there. C’mon now, don’t fuck this up!”

I’m thinking ‘WTF is this all about?’ And I’m your valued asset? Apparently not. I didn’t like the tone nor the message, but I decided to keep my rage inside right now. To rationalize the situation a little better, I just assumed that this was our first meeting together and maybe the boss just wants to show me how to conduct business on this level. Ok… no problem. So the meeting was very brief and my boss took command. Of course, he didn’t speak words that I typically hear him say around the office, he was very articulate and sharp. In short, the Technology Director was impressed with our visit but felt that it was not a good time to engage with us because of our inexperience in the market. He thanked us for showing up, and mentioned that he would consider us in the future if he decides to outsource another project.

We left the meeting and walked back to our office without saying a word to each other. I was still pissed off for basically being demoted to a deaf mute this whole time, and I knew that I had to address this with my boss once we reached the office. I did not appreciate what he asked me to do, and I wanted to inform him that I had a lot of personal experience working with several companies that faced the challenges that we learned about during our meeting. If I were able to talk about this during the meeting, I feel confident that we would have won the contract.

I returned to my cube once we reached the office. I checked my email, discussed the new album coming out by JayZ with a few colleagues, and quickly fell back into my ‘oasis’. But I also began to think that I wanted to be an asset to this company, and to make that visible, I needed to talk to the boss about the meeting and how things could have been different. With that, I walked to the boss’ office and asked if he had time to speak with me. He obliged and asked me to close the door.

“I appreciate that you asked me to join you on your meeting, but I don’t understand why you asked me to stay quiet. I really feel that I would have been able to be a benefit if I could have explained some of my experiences with — “

“Wait a minute! Is you questioning me? Ok, from day 1 you walk in here and you bring your fancy laptop and you talk all this new corporate talk around here and now you wanna tell me how to do my business?”

“No I don’t. But I could have been an impact if –”

“Wait, wait, wait. You still talking to me ’bout this? Man, gon’ and go home. Get your fancy little computer in there, pack up your stuff and go on home.”

“What? Am I being fired??”

Yes I was. Fired. Just like that. And I have never been fired before in my life. I was numb to the experience. And since my ears are virgins to those words, I remember asking him over and over… “Am I being fired?? Wait… am I being fired??” It was just a numbing experience. One minute I am in my ‘occupational oasis’, talking Tupac, eating bar-b-que wings in the office, being me; next thing you know, I am taking that final long walk to my desk to packing my shit to saying my goodbye’s to walking down the long hallway past the boss’ office to the exit door – like a swift kick in the keesh. That was it. Gone. I can’t tell you how disappointed and surreal the whole experience was. Now I am a grown ass man, but I remember that I almost chucked a teardrop when I took that long walk down the hallway. I knew that I couldn’t go out like this, so I decided to say two words to the boss before i walked out… FUCK YOU!

“I ain’t mad atcha”

Do you remember the first time you were ever fired? Please share.

Filed under: Barack Obama, BMOC, fired, work   |  1 Comment

Man Law: Sisters Are Off Limits (Or Are They??)

06Jan09

A few summers ago the fellas and I were at a barbecue in Brooklyn (there tends to be quite a few of those). At some point during the night this fly honey walks up to my boy Mike, greets him with a warm smile and kiss on the cheek. They exchange pleasantries while I lay in the cut just amazed by her beauty. This girl just had the most beautifulest complexion in the world and the prettiest pearly whites I’ve seen on a human being, like ever. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating just a bit but she was fly no lie. After they’re done talking, she hugs Mike goodbye and walks away, with my eyes firmly fixed upon her sultry gait the whole time.

I turned to Mike and was like, “Yo, son, who was that?”

“Oh, that’s my boy Rich’s little sister, Aisha.”

“Man, she’s hot.”

“What?”

“She’s bad, son. Hook it up.”

“Yo, chill, B.”

“Why, what’s up, that’s you?”

“What? Nah, I can’t even look at her like that – she’s like my own little sister.”

“Aiight, but what that got to do with me? She ain’t my sister.”

“Yo, you buggin. You know Richard.”

“Yeah, but not like that. (Laughs).”

“Yo, he would kill you and then I’d bring you back to life just so I could kill you, too.”

“Damn, it’s like that, B? Aiight, I was just kidding… But she is cute, though.”

“I’m not even talking to you about this anymore. You breaking the code, man.”

See, there’s an unwritten code amongst men: Don’t mess with anyone’s sister. Not sure when it was written or by whom, but it’s one of the male species’ oldest rules of conduct and staunchly upheld for fear of serious beat downs (i.e. Mike’s threat of dual death). I understand and respect the thinking behind the rule and would issue a similar proclamation if anyone in my crew expressed interest in my little sister—for Pete’s sake. This is especially true if the homie is a dog/player. I wouldn’t allow anyone of that caliber, friend or not, within five feet of my female kin or close female friends. But I feel like playing Devil’s advocate: What happens when your friend is actually a decent guy?

This is a tricky situation because no one wants to picture their little sister getting down (eww) and you definitely don’t want to imagine her with one of your boys (double eww and vomits in mouth). Now I know when it comes to my exes, I try to not stand in the way of their happiness. So if I’m truly removed emotionally from them and someone I know could possibly make them happy, why should I stand in their way? I actually found myself in a scenario where one of my boy was interested in a girl I used to “mess around” with. It was hella awkward at first, but I really didn’t want to be with her at all and he did, so I gave him the green light. They actually wound up engaged and even had a baby together. Unfortunately, the marriage thing never worked out, but even still, I never stood in the way of their potential happiness.

But could I apply the same logical thinking to my own sister? I dunno, maybe there’s a slight possibility under the right circumstances. My boy would have to be 1) Head over heels in love with my sister and vice versa. 2) I don’t think it could be a super close homie, like it would have to be a tertiary friend of a friend (kinda like how I was to Richard, who I just knew in passing). 3) He would have to be an honorable, trustworthy and complete gentleman to be worthy of my sister’s affection and my approval. But maybe I’m just cut from a different cloth.

Fellas, what would you guys do if one of your friends tried to kick it to your little sister? Would it make a difference if it was your older sister? Is there any scenario where you would allow someone you kinda-sorta knew to date your sister? How much say does your sister have in the matter? Ladies, do y’all have similar rules about your brothers getting with your friends? Any females out there willing to admit to ever having a crush on one of your brother’s friends? What did your brother do when he found out?

Speak your piece…

Filed under: Man Law, relationships, sex   |  1 Comment

Intervention Alert: Charles Barkley

02Jan09

Charles Barkley was arrested and cited for a DUI last week, and unfortunately this is not the first time this has happened to him. Word is that Charles told Arizona cops that he ran a stop sign because he was apparently in a hurry to pick up a girl who had “given him (oral sex) one week earlier,” which Barkley described as “the best one he had ever had in his life.” While their is no reaction yet from his employers at TNT, this should be considered a wake up call to a man that is slowly heading in a downward spiral.

I’m sure that we can look around to find more celebrities/former athletes fighting inner demons much deeper than this, but Charles is a more precarious subject because he is probably the first former basketball star/athlete to be so openly embraced by the general public for his raw style of candor, “real talk”, and ability to relate to the normal man (or woman). While Charles quickly became a healthy slice of transparency and honesty during his first couple of seasons on TNT, he is becoming more known for his vulgarity, drinking escapades, gambling issues, and now DUI arrests. And this is one of those times in which Barkley SHOULD have just kept his mouth shut, publicly apologize for this arrest, and make amends by seeking help. Instead, Barkley is now viewed as just another misguided former athlete that seems to think that his past fame and wittiness can earn him a “mulligan” as soon as the police lights start flashing – and let’s not forget that dude is a married man. Not a good look Charles – what happened to your values dude?

In hopes of re-sparking the old magic of Charles Barkley, let’s honor him by re-creating our own TOP 5 (no pun intended)… quotes that is:

5. “It’s kinda great to see the Celtics doin well again cuz that was so much fun in my day to go to the Boston Garden and they spit at you and throw things at you and talk about your mom. It sounds like dinner at Kenny Smith’s house.”

4. On the Enron scandal investigation: “Almost all those politicians took money from Enron, and there they are holding hearings. That’s like O.J. Simpson getting in the Rae Carruth jury pool.”

3. On the Olympic sport, curling: “I’m still trying to get my grandmother off her old behind and into the Olympics. Why not? She can dust too.”

2. On Jerry Krause still being able to keep his job as GM of the Chicago Bulls: “Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss’s wife having sex with a monkey.”

1. “When I was recruited at Auburn (University), they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements.”

Dear Mr. Barkley,

C’mon man… you were a great basketball player, and you are pretty funny on TNT… we even share the same hairstyle. I simply ask that you uphold the swagga please – stay outta trouble for your legion of fans out here… please??

One.
TMS

Filed under: Charles Barkley, DUI arrest, intervention, values   |  Leave a Comment